Diary entry #April 27th
Today I felt anxious
Taking myself on a walk alone
Contouring the areas filled with too many cool kids
But I live in the middle of one
I took my courage in the form of sunglasses: there is a me with social anxiety
And a me without
I felt pissed at young couples crossing my path
Reminding me of what I have not and I give myself credit for being single
Strong and independent for most of my life
though I doubt these things are synonymous
I always try to hide it when something triggers me
A young couple
A gorgeous girl
A group of friends laughing in community
My shadows embarrass me so I stare at the ground to hide them
Two places in the city I know suddenly connect
and here I am at Villa Neukolln, where once I celebrated my birthday in the
cottage core dress that felt most like me
Half the seats are empty and I find solace in the sight of another guy on a solo adventure
Reading a book at his table
As I enter the neighbor bar to buy an ice latte there is nobody behind the counter
The wooden chairs stand in silence on a background of blue
‘Hello’ I speak as I tour through the bar as though visiting a ruin
The bartender makes himself wait for another set of minutes and I have to put effort into not blaming him for awakening the teenager inside me who's too familiar with being unseen
It is a good day when the milk poors onto the rocks, making them crack
and the sun shines 25 degrees on my pale skin
There are two Swedes on my left and five on my right; for once not a sign of anything
I scribble notes in the Artist’s Way. I’m nearing the final chapter, my Gemini rising would be surprised.
When the girls on my right start screaming of laughter over some game of cards, not once but two, then three times, my eardrum nearly bursts. I’m pissed in the bathroom before leaving until my eyes fall on the white lilies behind me, reminding me that love is possible.
I walk back to my neighborhood through shadowed streets unknown to me and exploring becomes the end of the day’s humble joy.
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